It's not your relationship. It's your nervous system.

Every couple has their issues. Every marriage has its sticky points. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. 

While I am endlessly fascinated about the problems two people face in a long-term committed relationship, what I’m even more interested in is how they get through their hard stuff. 

What are their strategies for navigating conflict, tough conversations, sudden flare ups or deeper, recurring patterns of behaviour?

What are your strategies for getting through hard times in your relationship?

• Do you or your partner sweep things under the rug and let them pile up (avoidance)?

• Do you get loud, slam things, defend yourselves and blame each other (fight)?

• Do you storm out, turn off your phones or ignore messages (flee)?

• Do you shut down, pretend things don’t bother you and ignore your needs to keep the peace (self-betrayal)?

Maybe you do a combination of those things or you have other strategies that make you feel like things are impossible to overcome.

What’s important to note is that all of the above are incredibly common, learned ways of relating. They are usually unconscious and feel hard to change because they are ingrained nervous system patterns. These patterns aren’t inherently bad but they can cause us and our families a lot of pain. 

What many couples don’t realise is that these patterns can be changed. We can learn new strategies, individually and as a couple, that bring us closer together and move us forward as a couple. 

It all starts with understanding your unique nervous system, how it feels in your body when you bump up against the one you love, unlearning habitual ways of reacting and gently practising new ways of responding to whatever comes up. 

All of this takes time, care, and a willingness to let go of any shame around needing support. 

Every couple is unique because every nervous system is unique. But I believe most couples can learn new strategies to get through their hard stuff. Strategies that create feelings of empowerment for them and homes that feel safe and peaceful for everyone else.

If you’re ready to break the cycles that keep you stuck and create a calmer, more connected relationship, I’d love to support you. Book a complimentary clarity call with me and let’s gently explore what’s possible for you and your relationship.